we made out on top of his cat.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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