if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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