Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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