We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
