I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
