xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
