A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
