You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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