I'm gonna have a badass scar
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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