I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
