My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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