you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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