I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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