did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
