so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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