a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
