So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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