Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
