I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
