This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
