Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
