Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
