So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
