i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
