Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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