Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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