And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
whose ass print is on the piano?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
