At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
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