I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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