If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
