How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
