Come see our sink grown plant.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
