Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
