2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
