he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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