pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
