Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
