He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
