It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
