I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
