Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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