So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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