Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
