there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
