there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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