it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Randomize
