I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
