Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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