My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
