U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
