I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
