jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
