Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
