So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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