i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
and you fell through a lawn chair
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
